Unfair comparison
This is not a diagnosis or a personality trait. If you recognise yourself here, it is an invitation to gently check for other explanations rather than to label yourself.
What it is
One's vulnerable areas are compared with another person's strengths without accounting for different conditions, experience or cost.
How it arises and is maintained
Comparison helps to orient oneself, but the distortion arises when one takes one's own «low» and another's «high». It is sustained by a habit of measuring oneself against others' achievements and by experience where love or recognition was given for results rather than effort.
How it may sound
- «She already has it all worked out, while I am hopelessly behind.»
- «My friend speaks with ease, so my small improvements mean nothing.»
Soft signs in yourself
- Comparison is with the other's best result, not with their average.
- Your own path and the cost of the other's success are not taken into account.
- After comparison, mood drops and motivation does not appear.
- It is hard to compare yourself with your past self — only with others.
Questions for a Socratic dialogue
- Who exactly am I comparing myself to, and on which scale?
- What conditions and cost stand behind the other's result?
- What would a fair comparison be — with my past self, or with an average?
- What would I see if I compared my strengths with their vulnerable areas?
Self-directed exercise
Make the comparison fair
- Write the comparison in the form «he has this, and I have that».
- Describe the conditions, experience and cost behind the other's result.
- Compare yourself with yourself a year ago on the same scale.
- Formulate a thought that describes your path and your strengths.
Core beliefs it may be linked to
- ««I am worse than others by definition».»
- ««A person's worth is determined by their results».»
- ««Another's success devalues my efforts».»
- ««Comparing with oneself does not count».»