Blaming
This is not a diagnosis or a personality trait. If you recognise yourself here, it is an invitation to gently check for other explanations rather than to label yourself.
What it is
All responsibility for one's state or an outcome is assigned to another person, overlooking personal choices and circumstances.
How it arises and is maintained
Removing responsibility from oneself is a way to defend against guilt and shame. The distortion arises when one's own part disappears entirely and all the weight is shifted onto another. It is sustained by experience where mistakes were punished rather than analysed, and by a habit of explaining one's state through external causes.
How it may sound
- «You have ruined my entire day.»
- «I did nothing because nobody inspired me.»
Soft signs in yourself
- Explanations often sound like «it is because of him/her».
- Your own actions and choices are not mentioned.
- It is hard to name your own part even in a small share.
- A sense of resentment replaces analysis of the situation.
Questions for a Socratic dialogue
- What part of the situation depended on me?
- What could I have done differently, even if the other person was indeed at fault?
- What would change if I accepted my part without devaluing myself?
- What action is within my power right now, regardless of the other person?
Self-directed exercise
Find your part without self-devaluation
- Write the situation and what you are attributing to the other person.
- Describe separately what depended on you, without judging yourself.
- Formulate a thought that takes into account both the other person's part and yours.
- Through the day, notice «it is because of him» and add «and something is on me».
Core beliefs it may be linked to
- ««If I admit my part, then I am entirely at fault».»
- ««Others are stronger than me and determine my state».»
- ««My feelings are a consequence of other people's actions».»
- ««Without resentment I would be defenceless».»